On the British Airways flight back to London I didn't notice a single attractive air hostess. A sharp contrast to the last long haul airline I had flown with — Sri Lankan Airlines.
Call me old fashioned. Call me shallow. But air hostesses should be pleasing to the eye. It's amazing how pleasant a little eye candy can be. Makes those 9 hours fly by a lot quicker.
As for the in-flight movies — finding one that won't send you to sleep is a bit like winning the lottery. Good luck.
Of course sleep isn't too bad as far as entertainment goes. But, hopefully, none of you need any help with that. This post is instead about the Mile High Club — something which isn't as commonplace as I once imagined.
The Mile High Club is simply about having sex in an airplane. It's a thrill and a half — and by far the best entertainment on long haul flights.
When I was young I had presumed that this privilege was limited to flights in private jets, but with experience I can state that commercial flights are also good game.
Execution is generally dependent on who happens to be sitting next to you. But you don't need to leave this to chance. After all, luck is simply the meeting point between preparation and opportunity.
So how do you increase your chances? How do you ensure that you DON'T have a minger sitting right next to you? The obvious is to have your girlfriend/boyfriend travelling with you. Failing that you need to do a little bit of work during check-in.
Start by identifying someone suitable. Then get yourself next in line to them and take advantage of the long check-in times to start seducing them. There's something about airports that makes people very open.
You then want to casually suggest that you both get your seats next to each other so that you can carry on with the conversation in-flight and pass time pleasantly. If you are at all engaging, this is very easy. I've had a 100% success rate in getting new friends to sit next to me on fights.
Once you are both checked-in, you want to make yourself scarce for a little bit of time. A little separation only adds to the excitement.
Once you are on-board, continue with the conversation. Start discovering each other. Be patient and gradually increase the seduction by a few notches. Take advantage of the physical proximity for casual tactile contact and introduce sexual imagery into your conversation. Be classy.
Talk about the Mile High Club and gradually convince them of the idea. It is after all, a great experience! For those not skilled in seduction, the key is to simply be genuine, relaxed and have your breathing in sync with the other person.
Now comes the tricky part — assuming the other person is interested and sexually excited — timing.
You need to choose a time when both the queues and turbulence are minimal so that the cabin crew don't come and disturb your time in the only place for privacy — the toilet.
Unless you are on a private jet or can wing true privacy, only be sexual inside a toilet. The thrill of getting caught adds to the excitement, but don't be stupid like this pair!
You and your new friend now need to subtly get into the same toilet together. Don't worry about the entry too much — it's the exit that's a problem. And assuming the chemistry is great and that you are well prepared, you should both have a great time — feel the love!
Once the enjoyment has been had though, you now need to get out and face your fellow passengers who have been waiting in line for a while — or perhaps even cabin crew…
One trick is to get the other person to pretend to be slightly ill. And then you can “help” them as you get back to your seats. It immediately suggests to anyone suspicious that nothing untoward has been happening. Your post-orgasmic bliss can continue uninterrupted!
Once back in your seats, continue as before — who knows, you might find the love of your life this way. Or if not, you'll at least make a few good friends.
I hope this how-to has been useful in some way. Let me know in the comments how your experiences go. And, please, be respectful to the sensibilities of your fellow passengers — there might be children and nuns on board.