A week can sometimes be the difference between heaven and hell. Especially when it comes to matters of the heart.
This one week in December 2006, one of my lovers went from being “madly in love” with me to “hating” me. It seems that I tend to bring out extremes of emotions in people.
Most of these emotional extremes can be isolated down to one major trait of mine. I tried to explain it in a post break-up letter to her:
wrongly assumed that emotional hurt can be glossed over if the spirits are strong. assumption — the mother of all tragedies. but that statement needs some elaboration.
like the naive fool that i am, i place emphasis upon the spiritual connection betwixt indivudals. treat the temporal as inconsequential. because fundamentally, it is. and, as you once said, life shouldn't be taken too seriously.
thus most actions are just superficial and should be repairable. naive? yes. have i learnt otherwise? fuck yeah! go team america! hope this explains the “goldfish memory” behaviour that you witnessed.
What's the trait which causes so much harm? My tendency to speak my mind — uncensored. Whilst perfectly capable of being diplomatic, I've never seen any reason to censor my speech to those close to me.
Perhaps this is laziness on my part. I could have avoided most of the arguments in my life if only I had chosen my words more carefully. But doing so seems to conflict with my intentions of being genuine. To me, consciously altering one's words is comparable to manipulation.
This also ties in with two other characteristics of mine:
- Loving unconditionally
- Living across time
I have always tried to love unconditionally. This is reflected in the fact that I have never been able to fall out of love with those I have loved. Love eternal. When love is unconditional, surely trivial elements should not matter?
Also, unlike most people, within the confines of my mind, I live across time — not limited to the current juncture of the temporal axis. The positive emotions I experienced in the past are as true today as they were back then:
But both of these traits seem to be in contradiction with the experiences of most others. I have met few people who love unconditionally and fewer still who treat their past emotions as if they were still true today.
Perhaps this is healthier. Perhaps this is how people manage to engage in new relationships — unhindered by past emotions. But in doing so, I can't help but feel that people are just lying to themselves. And worse, the more one suppresses certain forms of emotions, the less one feels in the present and the future.
I have certainly felt elements of that decline in relationships as I have gotten older. The unbridled love I experienced in my teenage years pale in comparison to the restrained love I later experienced. All of that derives from fear of being hurt yet again and the occasional attempts of suppressing past emotions.
But the attitude towards love being eternal has gotten me into a mess more than once. I remember one weekend when a lover and I were so enthralled with each other that we were both experiencing orgasmic states before we had even engaged in any physical acts.
But fast forward to the weekend after that and you will have found her broken hearted. Why? Because during a discussion, I naively stated that one of my previous lovers and I were “one and the same — no difference between us”.
It had not been my intention to hurt her with that statement. Only in the days after that did I fully realise just how painful it must have been for her to hear that. Only later could I see how that statement could have been construed as being a denial of her. It was never meant to be so.
By living across time, I feel the past as intensely as the present and the emotions never dull. And especially since my experience of having an orgasm from just dancing, I have strongly felt connected to all beings in this Universe.
Being truly connected to all beings — starting with those close to me — is my highest aspiration. It is a reflection of the Truth that is this Universe. It enables, empowers and vitalises.
It reminds me of a quote by Martin Luther King Jr.
“I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.”
But, I cannot help but wonder if my approach is somehow fucked up? Is there something better I can do? Your thoughts and comments would be truly appreciated. Thanks!